i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
