Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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