I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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