Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
