is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
