You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you traded sex for a burrito?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pants are for mortals
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
