fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
