hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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