When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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