dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
