420 ftw
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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