god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
