Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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