ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
