I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
