Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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