Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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