Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
