So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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