you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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