I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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