Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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