i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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