we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
This house was built for laser tag.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize