I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
