The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
