I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
