yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
