Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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