Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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