Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
