Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
