I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize