my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
where am i from again
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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