I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
