I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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