I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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