When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
