When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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