I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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