he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
