My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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