My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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