My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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