The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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