Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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