Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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