ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
