I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ttyl tear gas
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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