i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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