last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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