i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
