around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
