the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
