I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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