did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
