I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
