So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
