This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
